Friday, June 21, 2013

Fantasy Baseball Diva

Yesterday, I wrote about the CFCL’s involvement in the fantasy baseball documentary, Trading the Gator. As I mentioned in that post, when Rich and I checked with the rest of the league about participating in the film, everyone was quick to jump on board. A couple owners asked follow-up questions about the process and extent to which they’d have to open their lives to the filmmakers, but nearly everyone responded very enthusiastically.

Of course, some owners were more enthusiastic than others. Tenacious B owner Bruce Ellman immediately went into full-on diva mode and posted a classic bit of writing to the league message board in which he laid out the demands that the producers must meet in order to ensure his participation.



Posted by Bruce on 1/7/2002, 12:38 am , in reply to “Re: Fantasy Baseball Documentary”

Unbelievable timing! I am currently involved in a project documenting documentary film crews. I am hoping to film the documentary crew filming our league for my own special documentary showing the process of writing, filming, editing and then selling a documentary film. It should be quite interesting. My target demographic is invalids, agoraphobics, people who don' speaka the language good and "in-shape," smokin' female aerobic instructors who're "just looking for a good time."

If the film crew will not agree to be filmed then the following demands must be met in order to ensure my participation:

1. We must, as a "band of brothers," agree to check our egos at the door

2. Our privacy and that of our families must be respected at all times

3. Only the right side of my face can be filmed

4. Spicy, red curry must be one of the catered dishes. If I see or smell one molecule of green curry I will be sick and filming will be immediately shut down!

5. My trailer will feature 2 27" (minimum) TVs with DVD players: One will be playing episodes of "The Flying Nun" and the other will be playing Spike Lee's "Malcolm X" in continuous loops (I will NOT touch any buttons)

6. My personal assistant and stylist, "Remy," will have final approval over dress and makeup for those owners sitting within a 4-seat radius of me

7. The voice of my wife must be dubbed in a Scottish accent

8. Since I do not own a dog one must be provided for my personal use during the course of filming. Dogs have keen senses of earthquakes and the undead (those that crave human flesh, anyway)

9. The roles of my best friends will be played by C. Thomas Howell and Jonathan Silverman

10. The hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold will be played by Brooke Burke (the host of E!'s "Wild On..." series)

11. I will make all bids using the following phrase:  "The Owner from the great team of [my new team name TBD] respectfully makes a bid of $X as according to prophesy."
12. My background/theme music will be selected from the following:
  • Anything by the Sex Pistols (including Public Image Ltd)
  • Anything by the Clash (but not including Big Audio Dynamite)
  • Music from the Motion Picture Soundtrack "The Story of Us"
  • Husker Du before they sold out (okay, they never really did so it's all fair game)
  • New Edition and all subsequent spin-offs including Bell, Biv, Davoe but not Bobbi Brown
  • Prince: especially when he still wore chaps
  • Natalie Merchant: not that I've heard any of her new stuff but have you seen the picture on the cover of her new CD? As long as I'm going there, how about Shelby Lynne or Nelly Furtado? Boy, the music the kids these days listen to...Also, for nostalgia purposes, the oft-misunderstood artists Juliana Hatfield and Samantha Fox should be scheduled to make personal appearances

13. The filmed sections of my life focusing on the difficulties of my early years, growing up on the streets of Evanston & Wilmette and then my victory over a severe case of peer pressure to watch "just one episode of Dr. Who because Tom Baker's so cool," will be represented by music from NWA, PE, the Geto Boys and Morrisey. Keepin' it real!

14. For my crying scenes, all extraneous persons (including non-essential crew members and ALL other owners) will be asked to leave

15. "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" and "Not over my dead body will they raise your taxes." You do the math....

16. Montel Williams, Alan Thicke, Woody Harrelson, Tori Spelling and Boutros Boutros-Ghali will be quoted as saying that I have profoundly influenced their lives

17. At a random point during the draft (that I will determine), all owners will run-around the room in a counter-clockwise direction screaming "Bud Selig and my father are f*&%$#@ liars!"

18. I will use nothing less than a .44 magnum and all action scenes must make liberal use of slow motion owing to the speed of my kung fu (Drunken monkey style)

19. Finally, this must all be filmed in the spirit of fun. If it's not, then my management team headed by Rock Newman will dangle somebody from the ledge of a 3+ story building or at least speak to them in a hostile manner

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